5:02 PM | link
And here you thought she spent the day cleaning...

4:59 PM | link
Let David protect your fine wood finishes.

4:57 PM | link
Script? *blink* They had a script?

12:40 PM | link
For sale: cheap! Autograph of a washed-up celebrity whose biggest claim to fame was having the lowest-rated TV show of all times. C'mon, it's only $3.00... won't somebody bid? Please?

12:32 PM | link
Sadly, the sequel Mississippi Madam was a box office flop.

12:01 AM | link
Well maybe they wouldn't have gone out of business if you hadn't stolen all those office supplies!

11:52 PM | link
"Oh Father, why hast thou forsaken me and left me in this hideous nightmare of a lamp?"

11:37 PM | link
In an effort to appeal to the hip, trend-conscious youth of today, the Catholic Church announced it will replace the traditional communion wafers with hits of acid.

6:37 PM | link
In this hectic world, it's comforting to know that people still pick up the telephone and communicate with each other.

2:47 PM | link
"Gosh, Millie, I just love how you painted your bedroom! That color is really you!"

2:33 PM | link
Relax? How do you expect us to relax with you staring at us like that?!

2:19 PM | link
This tramp has got to be the trashiest Barbie ever made! ... Any guesses on what she's doing to support herself now? Hint: Her arm is already raised to flag down cars!

2:00 PM | link
Just another boy-meets-girl-meets-Martian story: "Tommy gets involved with his girlfriend on Mars and well-endowed Martian shows up and girlfriend freezes Tommy with ray gun and gets involved w/ Martian."

1:38 AM | link
The perfect wig stand for those bad wig days.

1:33 AM | link
For anyone who's ever dreamed of getting close to Rosie's ass.

1:07 AM | link
Perfect for washing down a few fried baloney sandwiches and a handful of Vicodin.

1:03 AM | link
Smokey the Clown was a big hit at children's parties, especially when he did his famous cigarette trick.

12:57 AM | link
"Eww, Mommy! Why can't I have peanut butter and jelly like all the other kids?"

12:52 AM | link
Mrs. Cottontail always laughed when her friends asked whether her son Peter had any girlfriends. Just give him time, she told herself, and he'll grow out of this phase.

4:37 PM | link
Y'know, we've been wondering what this internet thing is all about...

12:27 PM | link
Some skeletons are better left in the closet.

12:13 PM | link
Must've been an ugly custody battle.

12:09 PM | link
And remember, proceeds from this auction will help to defray the costs of Trene and Josh's relationship.

11:41 AM | link
"Oh Mum, not steak & kidney pie again!"

(Thanks, Fred!)

12:05 AM | link
"These are real M&M candies, not some cheap substitute!"

12:00 AM | link
"Breaker, breaker good buddy. This here's the Prophet of I-5, you gotcher ears on?"

11:48 PM | link
What finer way to render a porn queen's best assets than with Play-doh?

(Thanks, Jesse!)

3:10 PM | link
"The color of the two used queen size cotton flannel flats and pillow case are burgandy and the hair of four dogs really shows."

(Thanks, Sarah!)

3:07 PM | link
As opposed to humiliating yourself on the Web...

(Thanks, Dawn!)

3:01 PM | link
Dressing for Success, lesson 23: A necktie says a lot about a person, like "I'm a newbie" or "Charlton Heston is my hero."

(Thanks, Tom!)

1:13 PM | link
"OK, now, in this next scene I want you to make a balloon animal shaped like Herman Goebbels."

1:34 AM | link
Are you worried about being struck by bits of the Russian space station Mir as it returns to Earth this week? We sure are -- which is why we're wearing protective headgear for the rest of the month.

1:23 AM | link
For all you busy guys out there...

12:50 AM | link
"Your wife, eh, does she like pictures, know what I mean, say no more, nudge-nudge?"

12:44 AM | link
Louise was excited when Sean told her he'd bought her a special garment to wear to bed that night.

12:28 AM | link
"If you like your mannequins serious, this one is not for you."

12:17 AM | link
Nine out of 10 focus groups responded positively to proposed improvements in our product line.

12:07 AM | link
"What?"

"Ah thaid, thtop thtahing at me, bith!"

12:04 AM | link
Gosh, we can't understand why such a classy domain name didn't receive a single bid.

7:46 PM | link
"Today's sermon begins with a reading from the Book of Jon."

7:42 PM | link
We can't claim to understand this seller's fondness for faux foodstuffs, but geez, couldn't they at least have picked better looking produce?